Filtering Messages that Fuel Dissatisfaction

Susan, I am especially interested in your reference to making sure our daughters get the right message. Of course any magazine or other commercial enterprise needs revenue in order to operate, so most accept advertisements from cosmetics companies, fashion outlets, that sort of thing. My daughters read those magazines. But I think there are also lots more examples of people living "green" or giving back in the form of AIDS activism, poverty relief, etc than had been true a decade ago.

Peggy, I'm so glad yours is the first question. This is something of great concern to me because most women in the world do not have the luxury to ask themselves if they are happy. I'd say probably 75% of women in the world have to work, so it really annoys me sometimes when we act as though working is a choice. Staying home and raising kids is also work that is unpaid in our country. At any rate, Marx noted that we have the value system we can afford; in other words, if we do not have the money to have happiness, we won't be asking questions like, how can I be happy? We'll be asking, what do I have to do to get some food on the table today. I'm increasingly concerned that more and more people in the US cannot afford to think about the "pursuit of happiness" because they are so worried about finances. When middle-class folks like you are deeply worried about it, I think that indicates a real problem.

Actually one study shows that married women are the least happy. The order goes: married men (happiest), single women (next happiest, I believe), single men (next happiest), and married women (least happy). The reasons given are that married women do all the child rearing and housework AND have a job outside the home and they're exhausted all the time. So the romantic view of marriage ends up not being all its cracked up to be, whereas the married man gets a wife to do all this stuff and contentment as well. This is very exaggerated but for some women it's not far from the truth.

Well certainly the official data say that married people report higher levels of happiness, but you have to take that with a grain of salt.
I thought Peggy's main point was along the lines of.. it's a luxury to have the time to mull over this idea of what makes us content - most of us are so busy doing what we need to do to earn a living, stay healthy, etc. that it seems pretty indulgent to spend time on wanting a higher level of contentment. I hope I am not mis-stating her concern.

I guess I didn't mean to imply that we shouldn't be somewhat self-conscious and seek better ways, but at some point you just have to do what you have to do. Maybe it's a generational thing. Many in my boomer generation think we should be fulfilled - and that's great. But a generation earlier would have thought that was pretty self-absorbed.
One of the things Susan and I talked about for this article was the way satisfaction can be relative: if I compare my situation to that of someone who is better off than I am, I might feel a little dissatisfied; if I compare myself to someone who is worse off I might reach the opposite conclusion = so looking outside yourself can cut both ways.

I thought Hugh's point was in distinguishing between external markings of success and support gained from others - as opposed to internal balance. Ultimately external measures and sources of contentment might be vulnerable to being taken away or lost - but your own personal source of strength is yours no matter what.

Life is a cycle whether we want it to be or not (happiness, sadness, bereavement, numbness, etc.; an article I read in the LA Times yesterday notes that as we get older we become happier because we are aware of the cycles and have been through them and we have skills to deal with them. The article noted that people who have good relationships with others, are doing new things, and who feel useful (helping others) are the happiest.

Boy, that's a good question. Does the workshop publish results from prior attendees? Do you know of anyone who has gone through the program? It's hard to assess these things before hand.

Find out as much as you can about this workshop and its legitimacy.
I'd venture to guess that only 1 or 2 people who take the workshop will be discovered and that the organizers know this.
That doesn't necessarily negate the good advice you might get on how to rewrite. If you go in clear-eyed knowing these things and say to yourself I'm really going to enjoy this and get the most out of it then it's okay.

I think that one of the issues that you allude to is that women may at least believe that they can choose to not work for a living but maybe young men do not perceive that they have that option.
But I am not sure that that is true anymore. Women really must be able to financially support themselves.
And it isn't really fair that men may not perceive that they have the same options that women might.
We are seeing now, on college campuses, significantly more women than men, and women are graduating at higher rates as well. And going on to professional and graduate schools. So I wonder what is happening to young men.

I'm thrilled that our daughters have so many more options; I'm depressed that they're still dealing with a lot of the prejudice against women I grew up with; for goodness sake, Hillary Clinton was asked, "Won't a lot of the world leaders from conservative countries not meet with you because you're a woman.?"

I hope when we say we must train young people, we mean every one, from all classes; that means making schools and grants available to all children and ensuring that they all get a strong foundation of learning in elementary and high school. Education is hugely important.

I didn't really answer your question. Sorry. I think there are people in the media - maybe not Al Gore with all his flying around and big house, but he's one - who really emphasize a greener lifestyle.
I can only look more locally for female role models who live responsibly. I bike commute because many women I know do. My daughters see me doing that; I hope at some level it sinks in.
I think it is hard to look to the media for examples of simple living because if you are in the media you are, almost by definition, not living simply.
On second thought, maybe the media is possibly inadvertently showing our daughters how silly being a materialistic party girl is - I don't think anyone is looking at Paris Hilton's jail spell or Britney Spears highjinx and saying I want to be like her!

I just don't look to magazines for enlightenment; as a feminist I find great wisdom in feminist theory and in watching how my feminist colleagues live their everyday lives with such valor. I learn from them how to live with courage and joy. I also am astonished by my 2 daughters and how they face life; I learn from them all the time.



In regards to Kate's comments about young men; I've always told students that every person (unless they cannot for mental or physical health reasons) should be prepared and able and expect to work for a living and get paid. It's what adults do, and women should too! We are living in very fluid times and when women are asking questions about work, happiness, family, life style, gender, men will also be affected. I believe that the harshly capitalist system we live in in the US is not conducive to happiness for men or women. It's really hard to have family values and be with your family when you're worried all the time about finances. I don't want men to just be automatons who feel all they do in life is go to work and make money--that's not conducive to their health or happiness.

I think this is right on the money, Rheanni!

To me part of happiness is to be able to go through the cycles and appreciate what they teach us: bereavement teaches us how precious our loved ones are; sadness teaches us to pay attention to other's feelings too. Each part of the cycle has some wisdom in it we can learn.