Raising "Good" Kids

the studies concerning the long-term effects of preschool are inconclusive. suffice to say, the body of research, when looked at as a whole, has failed to confirm the efficacy of preschool. research into head start fails to confirm that any long-term benefits accrue, and the research is fairly clear that any academic "headstart" produced during the preschool years is undetectible by the third grade. it is good politics these days for politicians to trump how concerned they are about the education of young children. i am, however, always suspicious when said concern translates into new bureaucracies, new jobs, and new entitlements.

unfortunately, i flunked out of dental school, which is why i am a psychologist. i speak at lots of dental conferences, however, and i've spoken to numerous pediatric dentists about pacifiers and thumb sucking. the bottom line: a child of 4 who only uses a pacifier to go to sleep is in no grave danger of doing significant damage to his mouth/jaw/teeth. if a child this age wanted a "paci" all day long, that would warrant concern, in which case i'd simply recommend that the parents tell the child that the child's doctor had told them he/she could not use a pacifier any more except to go to bed at night. the child is going to eventually give up the pacifier on his own, IF the parents do not make a big deal of it. btw, most children these days, especially caucasian children, require braces as adolescents whether they have ever had pacifiers or ever sucked their thumbs or not. i'd leave this alone.

for the past several years, another person and i have been testing various approaches to this very problem, which seems increasingly common these days. we've had the best results with having the child in question clean himself, wash out his clothes in a bucket in the bathroom, and remain in the bathroom until he is able to produce another pee or poop, or one hour, whichever is longer. another method that has produced (no pun intended) fairly good results is to use a timer set to ring every hour, at which time the parent takes the child to the bathroom and tells him that when the bell rings, it means he has to stay in the bathroom until he produces something of significance (as opposed to a few dribbles). by the way, i don't know how you've come to the conclusion that he wants more of your attention. in fact, more of your attention is likely to make the problem worse.

i am writing a book on add and the other childhood behavior disorders with a pediatrician of some reknown, and have researched this subject extensively. if one consults the diagnostic and statistical manual, latest edition (IV-TR), and looks up the diagnostic criteria for attention deficit disorder and oppositional defiant disorder, the criteria, in both cases, are nothing more than descriptions of typical toddler behavior...short attention span, defiance, impulsivity, low tolerance for frustration, tantrums, etc. i am convinced that postmodern psychological parenting (that's what i call the parenting that emerged after the 1960s) fails to cure toddlerhood...which is the most pathological stage of human development. the reason that when i went to school teachers had no problem teaching first grade classes of fifty or more kids (my first grade had fifty kids) is because with extremely rare exception, kids in my day were cured of their toddlerhoods by age three. many of today's kids, when they come to school, are still toddlers. put another way, a child does not learn to pay attention to adults when the adults in his life think it is their job to pay attention to him. as for the difference between personality and character, you are absolutely correct...a person of poor character can have a very winning personality (see ted bundy). as for narcissism and current parenting practice, narcissism is the tip of the high self esteem culture. enough said?

once upon a time, there was a saying, "ask them no questions, and they will tell you no lies." in most cases, the problem of lying is contributed to by adults who ask questions they already know the answer to. when i did something wrong, my parents simply told me, "we have discovered that you did something wrong." today's parents ask, "did you do something wrong?" the question is very likely to provoke a lie. that's step one. stop asking questions. step two is to simply tell the child when you think he's lying. "that's not the truth." and to not give time to the child's denials. and to hold the child responsible for what he has done whether he admits to doing it or not. "but what if you later find out that you were wrong? that the child was not in fact lying?" to which i say, "big deal." in the course of a life, we are all, at one time or another, held responsible for things we did not do. it is no big deal for a child to experience this reality on an occasional basis.

david elkind's new book, the power of play, which i reviewed in a recent column and may still be available on the public side of my website at www.rosemond.com, deals with this very subject. the research has found, and it's conclusive on the subject, that children who are able to play a lot, and who are able to DIRECT THEIR OWN PLAY (as opposed to having busybody adults hovering over them, directing their play) are likely to have better social skills, better social problem solving skills, better dispositions (they're happier children!!!), and much richer imaginations. how can parents do that? they can provide children with lots of opportunities to play with other children without adult direction. adult supervision, yes...adult involvement, no.

there are two fail-safe ways of preventing sibling rivalry: one, have no more than one child; two, space your children eighteen years apart. but seriously, when children have conflict, the key to preventing conflict (which is inevitable) from developing into rivalry is to avoid casting one child in the role of victim and the other in the role of villain. i recommend a "do not disturb the family peace" rule: "you can have conflict, but keep it down. if you disturb me with it, or you involve me in it, you will both be punished equally." send 'em both to bed early, for example.

i cannot abide adult-directed after school activities. i don't mind kids seeing coaches to help them develop good skills in one sport or another, but the after school sport where adults tell the children what positions to play and how to play 'em and what the rules are and when a rule is broken...i cannot abide...but then i grew up when adults did adult things and children played off to themselves and we decided what positions we would play and what the rules were and how to handle it when rules were broken. i don't think adults, however well intentioned, should be involved in the play of children. this is what elkind is saying as well. see his book, "the power of play." i know of plenty of people who participated in NOT ONE adult directed after school activity as children and are fully functioning adults today.

absolutely! let children decide what they are going to play, how they are going to play it, who's going to play what, what the rules are, and how the rules will be enforced. adults turn games into performances.

well, i always answer that question by saying, "if you can't decide, then get them all!!!" i'm kidding of course. my "foundational" book is "the NEW six-point plan for raising happy, healthy children." it will be on sale this weekend at cottonwood church (reduced 20% off retail, and the buyer gets a free autograph to boot...i understand the autograph increases the yard sale price by a quarter).

there's nothing wrong, per se, with being at the bottom of the pecking order. i can say this with authority since when i was a kid, i was often, more often than not in fact, at the bottom, or close to it, of the social pecking order. i'm fine in spite of it, and perhaps partly because of it. humility never hurt anyone. now, if he's being abused or bullied, that's another issue. you don't need to protect him from being the bottom of the pecking order, but you do need to protect him from bullies. if the latter is the case, then maybe a new peer group is in order.

ignore, run, don't respond to the taunts...however, let me say that bullies, once they choose a "mark," can be relentless. i point out that it is unlawful to physically assault someone, even if the assault involves a ten year old assaulting a nine year old. the problem with bullies, all too often, is that their parents are in denial...even enablers. when bullying gets to a certain point, and protection of the child is the primary consideration, i have recommended that the parents take out a warrant on the child, even at age ten. this usually snaps the bully's parents wide awake, and it certainly stops the bullying. my wife and i had to do this when the neighborhood bully chased our son into our house and had the gall to back him up against the refrigerator and threaten him. we cited him for trespassing. his family put a for sale sign on their house the following week.

"equally" does not necessarily mean "the same." it means that the respective punishments have equal "impact" on the children. so, "equal" in your case might be sending your daughter to bed one hour early and sending your son to bed two hours early and not letting him watch television for three days. also, i need to tell you that "warnings and time-out" are not punishment. time out is the weakest consequence ever invented my mankind. it "works" with children who are already well behaved.

that's an example of "applying the book."

i agree. today's parents tend, i think, to overprotect. they also tend to intervene too soon in conflict situations. as for a good rule of thumb, i can't really identify anything objective. i'd have to say "trust your common sense," but then common sense seems to be increasingly uncommon these days.

just fine is just mildly neurotic...or even a bit more than mildly neurotic, but not neurotic to the point that one interferes with anyone else's pursuit of happiness and is fairly happy him/herself....just fine is content, despite one's warts. just fine is accepting that some warts you can get rid of with personal effort, some will go away with time, and some will stay with you for the rest of your life. just fine is realizing that a good life is not measured in terms of money, but in terms of things like a good and lasting marriage, children who grow up to be people of character, and contributions made to the lives of others.

i thoroughly enjoyed it and hope to see a good size crowd at cottonwood church this friday night and saturday morning! i love coming to albuquerque. i haven't been there in a few years and am really looking forward to it. thanks to all of you for making this an enjoyable experience!!!